the day after thanksgiving i came home from work totally exhausted and collapsed on my bed as soon as i walked through the door. i rolled my ass over to check caller id and my arm brushed something hard on the side of my comforter...i glanced down and was met with the sight of a HUGE ASS MOTHERFUCKING SCORPION ON MY BED. i jumped up and ran into the kitchen screaming at the top of my lungs "OMG OMG OMG WHY THE FUCK AM I ALWAYS ALONE FOR THIS SHIT OMG OMG OMG" and i had to chug a beer before i could pull myself together. when i finally psyched myself up to catch that shit, i found that it was not a scorpion but rather a JERUSALEM CRICKET.
totally creeped out but mildly fascinated, i carefully entombed it in a small tupperware and covered the top with tinfoil. after thinking it over i began making plans to ritualistically kill it at midnight the following evening. when i got to the theatre the next day i showed it to everybody, most of whom found it revolting. we hid it under an empty straw box so we wouldn't have to look at it while we worked. at the end of a super long and busy day we looked under the box only to discover it had popped up out of the foil and was now freely walking underneath the flimsy cardboard straw box! jeremy and jasmine picked up the box and started yelling and crying and shit so i slid the box over an empty popcorn box and took it outside. i walked over to the ledge and after a moment, pulled the boxes away from each other and watched the jerusalem cricket descend. it landed softly, upright in a gigantic pot of flowers. it was still for a second, and then slowly disappeared, deep into the flowers, out of sight.
i'm glad i didn't kill it because now i feel like i AM the jerusalem cricket, or that the cricket was me, and pretty soon i'll be plunging into flowers of my own.